I had a phone call from an unknown number last week, it told me my first husband who I'd been briefly in contact with a couple of years ago, after a gap of nearly 50 years, had died in hospital. He lost his driving licence due to drink driving at the end of 2024 and I only heard from him a couple of times after that, but he must have kept my phone number in his phone. His current and third wife, who he'd also split up from, said he had been ill since February. He was 71 - same age as me........
He didn't remember anything about our 7 years together, was as hopeless with money as he'd been 50 years ago and having left wife #3 was living in one rented room with a shared kitchen and bathroom, he had very little contact with his two sons and grandchildren (from the wife after me), told me several lies and didn't have many interests. We had even less in common than we had in the 1970s.
So why do I feel sad to hear of his death?
Because he meant something to you all those years ago and in 7 years you will have lots of memories, maybe even a few good ones, he was part of your life. You had such a wonderful life with Colin, so many happy memories and your lovely offspring, perhaps the contrast makes you realise how very lucky you were. Your first husband sounds discontented and selfish, traits which you don’t possess at all. I’ve lost a few childhood/teenage friends recently and it is sad, shared memories with no one to share them with. Have a quiet day then hug a g.child, whilst they are still smaller than you! Take care, Sarn Browne.
ReplyDeleteAgree with Sarah and would add that as loved ones with a zest for life die prematurely the death of someone who hadn’t made the most of what they had is so poignant
ReplyDeleteAlways read you, thanks for your blog
A part of your life has disappeared I suppose. Feeling sad for others is a good thing by the way, it means forgiveness as well.
ReplyDeleteIn agreement with both the comments above. Feeling sad too for wife #3, having to contact people with the news, and probably make the arrangements. Never an easy task, but harder when the deceased has not been the best of characters.
ReplyDeleteIt's a natural feeling as he was once part of your life, for good or bad. A shame he didn't improve with keeping so his other wives didn't have a positive experience either . . . I felt a little this way when I found out my first husband had died, not that long after Keith.
ReplyDeleteThank heavens you had Colin and such a wonderful life with him.
Even if you don't consciously think it, you will be grieving for what might have been if he didn't turn out the way he did. Wives no 2 and 3 are probably feeling much the same way. It's sad to think that he threw his chances of happiness away.
ReplyDeleteI think we mourn the loss of potential. We see what could have been, with others if not with ourselves, and are sad that someone still hadn't managed to make a good life.
ReplyDeleteIt’s natural to feel sad. You have a shared history, you were partners for a few years so you have memories of your time together. Perhaps also it’s a sadness for him, for the life he could have had. It sounds like he had a sad life.
ReplyDeleteIt's natural to feel sad, he was a part of your life for 7 years and you must have loved him, or at least liked him a lot all those years ago.
ReplyDeleteI didn’t know you were married previously - you must have been very young when you first married.
ReplyDeleteI think it’s natural to feel sad when someone we once cared for dies.
Met at 16, married at 20 and at 23 he went off with a fellow bellringer!
DeleteI grieved when I heard of former boyfriends from my young life that have passed; each was special in their own way and some good/some bad memories too, but still was sad to hear they passed away. Dawn P. Albany, GA USA
DeleteHe was part of your life and it’s natural that you will reflect on your years together and feel sad that he seems to have wasted his life. Take care. Catriona
ReplyDeleteI feel sorry for him without even knowing him... and he doesn't sound like someone many people would find easy ro live with. It's always sad to think of someone who could have been so much more, but ended up making so many people, including himself probably, unhappy.
ReplyDeleteI don’t want to repeat what others have said so eloquently but I totally understand your feelings at this time.
ReplyDeleteAlison in Devon x
I imagine it is old memories that make you feel sad. He sure messed up over and over. You moved on with your life and aren't you glad you did. I never regret getting divorced from my husband.
ReplyDeleteTake care Sue. Your feelings are true and honest. You shared 7 years together. You meant a lot to him too as shown by his reaching out to you.
ReplyDeleteHe is at peace now and hopefully in a happier place.
He was part of your past and your young days and you probably have good and bad memories of him. A shame he didn't improve with age! Its always sad when people who knew us when we were young have died. But you met Colin and had a fabulous life together. Hugs Xx
ReplyDeleteI understand those feelings. I'm going through something like this now with mine. Homeless, in cognitive decline, still drinking and he's in and out of hospital after being found on the side walk unconscious. He doesn't remember us - its been nearly 30 years. He won't stay in Care facilities and just walks out. I thought this last phone call on Sunday was informing me of his death but no. Its very sad so I totally understand your feelings.
ReplyDeleteYou wouldn't be human if you didn't feel a little sad regret. It's natural.
ReplyDeleteOf course you feel sad. For one period -- however long -- he was someone you loved and shared a life with. Certainly there were a few good moments in that time and perhaps remembering those instead of the others is what makes us sad -- for a loss, for what was, what could have been. Grief is terribly complicated. You just go with it.
ReplyDeleteLots of kind and thoughtful
ReplyDeleteresponses from your blog family
Miriam
Because you used to be a family. That kind of sticks with you forever, even though you may not see them again.
ReplyDeleteI'm seeing a guy who was widowed 12 years ago. He was divorced from his first wife and raised their son. When she began experiencing heart problems about 10 days ago, instead of calling 911, she called him. He told her to call 911 and unlock the front door so the paramedics could enter. I don't think there is any great love on either side but they have always been cordial because of their son. Whether my guy likes it or not (he really doesn't), because of that son, they'll always be a family. Not that we have to love or even like some of our family members.
You may be grieving a bit for what never was. Give yourself some space.
Perhaps it's sadness about the person he was when you met him. Once upon a time, you must have seen something in him. Sadness also, because he's the same age as you.
ReplyDeleteGood morning. I only found your blog two days ago , when googling " churches near former RAF Wattisham ". I have left a comment on a post dated July 2025 . I really hope you read it ..thank you .
ReplyDeleteMaybe You feel sad because he was part of your life , even though it was a very long time.. Sadness because of being the same age . Grief does affect us all differently.