I can hardly believe that it's five years today since Colin died aged just 61. That was after having hardly a day off work until the heart problems in 2013 and then the Mantle Cell Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma was diagnosed in 2015.
Two grandchildren have been born since he died and I moved house and have settled into a way of life that seems to be OK most of the time.
Last year I wrote about the things I'd learned from four years being a widow and another year on my feelings are much the same.
I still have a hard shell around me and find it difficult to get involved in any way with illness of friends and family even though it makes me feel so selfish.
Goodness knows what will happen when it's my turn to be ill.....maybe I'll be one of those people found in their house weeks later when the neighbours notice the flies!!
And now I've upset someone by deciding I couldn't cope with going to a wedding on my own - it's not in Suffolk and would have needed an overnight stay so the person giving me a lift could join in with the drinking and it would have meant quite a while between times waiting around on my own. I'm considered odd to that part of the family as I don't do alcohol.
Oh well.
This is how I love to remember Colin - up to his elbows in grease and dirt mending the Fiat tractor at the smallholding . A Photo from October 2013.
Striding ahead of me whenever we went out for a walk
Best of all he liked any job that involved driving a bit of machinery - in this photo he is driving a neighbours tractor on the field next to the smallholding - working for another farmer
Colin is still missed by me and our children every day and will never be forgotten or replaced.
Back Tomorrow
Sue
Sending you warm thoughts and total understanding of your situation. My husband died at 57, 18 years ago and I have at last refused to go alone to weddings etc if they don’t have the politeness to include a plus one. I drove alone to my sons wedding and found it difficult, also a non drinker. You are doing what is right for you and your immediate family sound supportive and understanding, as are mine. Nobody understands widowhood until they have experienced it. Sandra.
ReplyDeleteDo whatever is right for you Sue. As a widow for 12 years I do go to social gatherings and also travel on my own however I respect those who prefer not to go and would certainly not presume that what is right for me is right for others. I think I am more comfortable in doing so as my late husband travelled extensively with his job and I was used to bringing up children and going to my own jobs whilst he was away. I absolutely agree with Sandra's comment 'nobody understands widowhood until they have experienced it'. I'm also a bit fed up with those lucky people who do have husbands saying "oh I have my husband to sort out x,y and z" but never often their husbands to help with the slightest thing I need help with!!
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband to cancer when he was 50. That was 25 years ago. I found jolly events very difficult for ages and walked out of several family events. The gap they leave is awful and can’t be replaced. But it is true that at it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Your heart will open up again but it will be different. You’re doing great…be encouraged and keep up your blog. It’s the first thing I read every morning. Anne xx
ReplyDeleteI also suffer from the inability to walk by myself because too many happy memories with Paul cloud my mind. Self-awareness can be seen as selfish I suppose but we never realise what we have lost until it is gone.
ReplyDeleteBy paying tribute to Colin, he is still with us and part of the community, and steadfast in your heart Sue.
I'm only a second hand 'widow' (divorced first) but I can still remember the feelings around that time and even now, when I don't push them away.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you with love - the photos are just lovely, thank you for sharing them. xx
I cannot begin to imagine the pain of widowhood. When my Mum died, Dad said it felt as though his arm had been cut off, and he would now go through life as half a person. He'd lost parents, a brother and a son, but said this was the hardest bereavement. He taught me to be truly grateful for my loving husband, and to be truly thoughtful towards those who'd been widowed. I hope I've learned those lessons....
ReplyDeleteYou are greatly loved, Sue. All those of us (lots) who wake up and read your blog with our morning cuppa will soon make a fuss if there is an unexpected hiatus in the posts!
👍☺️🙏❤️
Nothing worse than somebody who wants to stay overnight somewhere close enough to get home because they want to drink. I let a friend persuade me to do this a few years ago and all I wanted to do at the end of the evening was go back to my own bed. I completely understand your decision and I would never agree to it again under similar circumstances. I feel sorry for my mum who was widowed in her late 40s and had to attend two weddings of my brothers within a year of my father's death. She must have felt incredibly alone.
ReplyDeleteLove to you and your family Sue.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand what you say about being involved in the illness of others. I've not lost anyone as an adult, but both my parents died of cancers when I was a child, and that shell, that not wanting to be too close to anyone in case they let you down by dying, I still feel that after more than 50yrs.
ReplyDeleteKind thoughts to you today Sue and thanks for sharing photos that show Colin doing some of the things he loved. My Mother was widowed at 56 and found weddings very difficult on her own. She was dead when our daughter was married but Leanne invited Mum’s friend and asked if she would like to bring her daughter as her plus one. They were both delighted to come and apparently we were the only family who had ever done this in all her years of being a widow. I too don’t drink and All I ask is to be allowed to drink non alcoholic drinks without comments or people trying to force me to be “sociable”! Catriona
ReplyDeleteYou must do what you feel you can cope with/enjoy. Having lost my best friend (since we were five) and another dear friend in short order 7 years ago, seeing illness is not easy for me. Of course, I can't avoid it, having to care for Keith but there are days when it overwhelms me.
ReplyDeleteI am sure that Col is always by your side, and there in those precious grandchildren of course. Enjoy your life as you chose to live it.
I am sure you and the family will all be thinking about Colin today, good to see photos of him. My mother in law died five years years ago in June and although dad in law goes about life as normal, when we visit he is always hugging her photo. My husband was in the Royal Navy almost 31 years and I did not really enjoy attending weddings alone, especially with others drinking and me driving. One of my husband's cousins asked if I would like to bring our daughter to her second marriage, when was much better.I don't blame you for not attending, you have to do what feels right for you.
ReplyDeleteMemories are so precious, Sue. Sending you lots of hugz, Margaret xx
ReplyDeleteWidowhood is something that's been on my mind a lot in the past 3 or 4 years, since husband was first diagnosed with heart failure, and now possible dementia, plus the fact that he's 9 years older than me. I just want to push it out of my mind most of the time, but know it would be better to face it head on. But of course it could be me who goes first! Everything you've done and written about your life since Colin died has filled me with admiration. I don't think I'd cope as well as you, but then none of us know how we'll actually deal with a situation until it happens.
ReplyDelete2015 was a bad year, not only for you losing Col, but I lost my Mum and a much loved family pet, Roper, after 14 years. Unlike you it is easy for me to refuse any invitations as I can use my conditions as valid reasons for not attending, although there are some I would like to have gone to particularly with my daughter and grand-daughters. If you want my advice, for what it's worth, is do what you want to do, but show an interest in the occasion with whoever is hosting. It's good that you have those photographs of Col beavering away at normal everyday tasks. Stay busy today.
ReplyDeleteI applaud you for deciding not to go to the wedding because it suits you better not to. There is nothing worse than being on your own AND being made to feel different for not drinking. The hardest thing we do is to say no and brush off the feelings of guilt for doing so. But it can also be very empowering.
ReplyDeleteLovely to see those photos of Col doing what he loved doing, he would be so proud of how you have coped, how you live now and how the family has grown. My mum is struggling enormously at the moment, missing my dad more than ever eleven years after we lost him.
I agree with the other commenters that we should follow our own instinct and not be pushed into things others want us to do. Bereavement takes a very long time and we never really come to terms with such a loss. The photographs are great and clearly very precious.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful heartfelt post Sue.
ReplyDeleteThinking about you today - thanks for sharing the photos. It was good to see the pictures of Colin up to his elbows in grease. Like the other commenters yours is the first blog I read every day and I have been reading since your smallholding days but don’t comment very often. I can’t believe how long ago those days were! Love to you all.
ReplyDeleteYou have beautiful memories of a wonderful life with Colin. Your photos of Colon working the land and repairing the tractor are lovely. In 5 years you have made a new life and accomplished so many things. I agree, that nobody should be pressured to participate in an event they do not care to be involved with. Any and all reasons for the decision are valid. People need to just accept this.
ReplyDeleteThank you for a very sensitively written piece about the realities of living with bereavement and loss. I'm glad you are sticking to your guns about the wedding - if you're not going to enjoy it why go? X
ReplyDeleteAlison in Wales x
Those are lovely pictures of Colin. Sending warm wishes today and hope you have a day full of happy memories and I am sure there will be plenty that won't be in a photograph too. I would not worry about the wedding invite - no one can understand what it is like for you now without Colin - it might happen to them one day so they should show a little more compassion. x
ReplyDeleteI love the pictures you chose to share - the real life moments vs. posed pictures. I find it surprising that it is five years as well, thinking back to your blog posts at the time. I don't know for sure, but I imagine that the adjusting, the grieving, the way you choose to live your life will take whatever path and time it takes, and it's certainly not for someone else to judge whether you are doing it correctly or not (re. the wedding invite). Take care. -Jenn
ReplyDeleteYour list of lessons learnt touched my heart. For the first time in our marriage (we've only been married 25 years), we are dealing with Tim's health issues. It's sobering. We do take life for granted sometimes, and a bump in the road reminds us that we cannot.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you have so many wonderful memories of your life with Colin. You have done a fine job of getting on with your life and you should continue to take care of yourself and follow your instincts.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the beautiful post and the pictures of Colin today, Sue.
ReplyDelete--Elise
Sue my first marriage lasted 39 years and was very happy. After two years I married David and we had 23 years together. There were no comparisoons to be made - both were genuine, kind men. Malcolm's interests were music, art, canoeing. David's were farming, natural history and country life - so it was two completely different lives. I miss them both every day but thank mu lucky stars to have had two such happy marriages.
ReplyDeleteA lovely blog post and lovely photos of an obviously much loved man.
ReplyDelete(You can never have too much love I think).
It's hard to believe that 5 years have passed but you have tackled life with gusto, common sense and patience. I have nothing but admiration for you, Sue. Regarding the wedding: just do what feels right for you. It's perfectly ok to say "thanks...but no thanks" to any invitation you really do not want to attend. Thank you for sharing the lovely photos of Col x
ReplyDeleteTime just seems to fly by as one gets older. Lovely to hear your fond memories of Colin. PatC
ReplyDeleteLovely post Sue. All the photos are wonderful but that first one is very special.
ReplyDeleteI echo everyone’s comments. I so admire how you have handled what life has thrown at you. You roll up your sleeves and get on with it.
Lovely photos of Colin. How loved he was and still is.
ReplyDeleteEntirely agree with you re the wedding, do what you want to do, it won't be much fun watching everyone else boozing etc. It is important to put your foot down and not be swayed by the requests if others.
Hugs xx
ReplyDeleteHugs to you. What you choose to do in regards to traveling to weddings and such things is whatever you feel comfortable with.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
Sending hugs. Must be a difficult day. I can't believe five years have passed. Lovely photos of Col. It's nice to have the photos to remind you. I don't like having photos taken, but when I think of Mum and being able to see the memories so clearly it's made me re-think having at least a few taken!
ReplyDeleteI read this post yesterday - it's very moving and the comments so heartfelt. I didn't leave a comment then but I think people are correct about you doing what you feel comfortable with. Wonderful photos of Colin.
ReplyDeleteI loved reading about Colin and sending extra hugs today. Every anniversary is a tough one but there is something about those "5" and "0" years that really hits buttons. I understand completely about the wedding. I hope your friend understands. It makes perfect sense to me.
ReplyDeleteAah Sue...I think your Colin and my hubby would have had much to talk about...I completely get the striding ahead bit! x
ReplyDeleteMy husband Tony died on the 25/3 this year . He was 63 and we had been married for 32 years.
ReplyDeleteIt’s seven weeks today
I don’t want this life without him
I think you are amazing for carving out a life for you - Colin would be proud
Siobhan