Yesterday marked my 4th year as a widow - this is what I've learned - (this is just me and I'm guessing everyone's experience is different)
I've never wanted to be a weak and pathetic widow so have tried to avoid depending on other people
A lot of time is spent alone - so best get used to it
I seem to have put a bit of a hard shell around myself ...protection
People don't expect you to be widowed aged under 70
To start with I found some things are OK to go to on your own but other events for families can make you feel very lonely which isn't a good idea, although I'm getting used to it now.
The only way to get through the grief is to just get on with things. Grief doesn't stop so it's no good waiting for it to go away.
I'm glad I always managed the finances and paid bills etc - would have been hard otherwise
No one can replace the person you've spent all your life with
Find a friendly garage to look after your car (unless you are a mechanic yourself!)
Crying is no help at all, nor is stamping your feet and shouting "Its' Not Fair"
You will get through - as the alternative isn't an option.
Treasure your loved ones ....they don't always survive as long as you hope.
Gosh, everything you say is so right. I was widowed in my 50’s so have been alone 17 years now. You have hit the nail on the head with every comment especially about being alone, so thankful I enjoy gardening and reading. Also thank heavens for my family, some live close by in the same village the others only over a hill in next village so I am able to help out regularly with child/animal care. It’s the decision making I find difficult and when things go wrong, like drains, boilers etc. Hope you have a good summer in the garden and car booting and thank you for everything you said. Sarah Browne.
ReplyDeleteNone of us know how we're going to cope in any situation, I like to think I wouldn't just collapse in a heap if my husband dies before me (he's 9 years older than me and has heart failure), but I don't know. Life here in this very rural area would be difficult without him, that's for sure, I'd probably have to move. You're a shining example of a brave and strong woman, Sue, I do admire you.
ReplyDeleteIt will be four years for me this September- all you say is true indeed. I have. It quite found my niche yet although I have tried various social groups and hobbies. Life can be bitterly lonely at times, but as it is the only life we have I do try to be grateful for all I have and to be a positive community member. I miss him
ReplyDeleteThank heavens some of your family live nearby. My 3 are spread out across Wales, but within about 1 1/2 hrs travel. With K's health failing (he is nearly 12 years older than me) I have this to come and I may well have to move (something I hadn't planned for). As Sooze said, you are a good example and have coped admirably.
ReplyDeleteVery, very wise words from a strong person - even when you may not feel all that strong.
ReplyDeleteLove to you.
xx
Thank you for your wise words. A reminder to those of us who do not live alone to be considerate and sensitive towards those who do. I'm glad you have such good memories of Col, and a loving family to support you.
ReplyDeletePeople can be very insensitive and drone on and on about what they do with their husbands with no thought for those who are alone. As a widow for over 10 years my best advice is get your finances in order, learn how to pay bills online and run a household on your own, if you can join new activities and widen your social circle. I have no near family but have a huge array of friends. I travel on my own and with friends but life can often be lonely. Always have something to look forward to!
DeleteI think it must help being able to being able to drive and being money savvy, something my neighbour is getting to grips with. Her family are close, some further away. I might have to move as my son is a 4 hours drive away, too far for us both.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post Sue. The subject has been on my mind quite a lot recently as I have started to think about making plans for dealing with the practicalities when either of us die, whichever one goes first. I suppose it comes with our age.
ReplyDeleteHi Sue, I’ve been a widow for five years now I became a widow at the age of 52 after 15 years years of marriage to my soulmate and best friend. Everything you say is spot on (except about the garage I don’t drive) but I have wonderful friends and family that have got me through, and my little dog I got for company is great. Heather
ReplyDeleteAn excellent post Sue
ReplyDeleteThank you for that Sue. Your post catches all the sadness and also the realisation that you have to move on through grief, though it follows at your heels. Also of course the importance of family as we get older.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. Your point about spending a lot of time alone is very true - managing finances ( being able to pay bills) and enjoying good health makes life much sweeter.
ReplyDeleteSue from Queanbeyan
Absolutely true and what I've found, too.
ReplyDeleteSuch a thoughtful post. I do admire your courage and strength. I know that you won't necessarily want to hear that but, there, it's said. May his memory be a blessing, a saying I heard recently.
ReplyDeleteThat looks to me like a very insightful list Sue. I also bear in mind that aside from any emotional feelings and attachments, a smallholding life is quite an intimate, shared way of life together.
ReplyDeleteI am hoping that I go first as I am totally dependant on my husband. When he worked abroad I became independant being in charge of everything and it carried on to a certain degree when he returned including finances and paying bills. Now he is in charge and with working in IT we have online banking etc which is foreign to me and I don't like it. We live in a very rural area so a car is a must, but as I gave my licence up when we were in Wales I don't drive anymore. .
ReplyDeleteBrave of you to publish this Sue, because this is almost another taboo subject.
ReplyDeleteTake care, xx
I agree with so many of your wise words Sue. My first marriage - to Malcolm - lasted thirty nine years - very happy years - and as he was almost twelve years older than me I half expected it - but it wasn't any easier. My second- to David - who you briefly met when we were at nearby Aldebrough - was equally happy and so very different which helped geatly (no points of comparison). The one that is so very true is that it is no use feeling sorry for yourself. You owe it to your family to get on with things - and you are doing that to perfection. I still try to do it now after David died - same rules apply.
ReplyDeleteWhat a very positive post. I dread to think of the situation if my elderly dad goes before my mum. She's clueless, doesn't drive, can't even turn the computer on and has no idea how to do anything on-line. I've tried to gently nudge them to at least get some basic info listed, but they're not doing any of that.
ReplyDeleteIt's been 20 years since my 31 year marriage ended and, while divorce may not be as final as death, it is just as devastating. All of the things you mentioned apply plus having to deal with self-esteem issues, etc. The one thing I would add is that some married friends no longer include you in social gatherings making the loneliness even worse.
ReplyDeleteI'm always impressed by our wise words. I hope I can remember this should I face this situation. Statistics show that I likely will survive my husband.
ReplyDeleteWise words , thank you.
ReplyDeleteSorry the above anonymous is me - Alison from Wales
ReplyDeleteExcellent post, thank you. I am five years a widow and many of the things you have said I have experienced and learned. For me, grief has changed form but it will always be with me, I will always miss my beloved husband. I've gone on with this new life as he wanted me to do. It has had it's challenges and continues to but there has been some joy as well. Jenny
ReplyDeleteI felt that I could relate to much of your post, even tho, I am divorced, not a widow.
ReplyDeleteSorry for your loss, Sue, and glad you are managing to carry on so well.
Life is full of transitions. Transitions can be hard but you certainly are a strong, extremely capable, independent woman and this is admirable. I've always been very independent and even strong willed and goal oriented. A tough combination but it serves me well, regardless of the circumstances. Now that might sound harsh. That said, I do tend to surround myself with like-minded people. As women, preparing ourselves for whatever life throws at us is key.
ReplyDeleteAnyone alone will relate to this. I was left after 34 years with the same man, but I had always been independent and dealt with running the house so no change there,. I was always happy to travel alone. The best way is to just get on with it and start building something else, not sitting at home moping.
ReplyDeleteHaving followed your blog since the smallholding days, Sue, you've faced it all head on, with remarkable courage and grace. Just like Colin did. --Elise
ReplyDeleteA bittersweet day but you have managed admirably. x
ReplyDeleteYour admirable and very brave comment makes me realize yet again how blessed and fortunate my wife and I have been to have enjoyed almost sixty years of marriage. I feel for you. Roderick
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post for I'm sure it is very helpful to most of us. Many of your readers are alone and such a loss could easily come to many others. My husband is not in good health and I take care of everything around the house and have for some time. But for others that are not alone it is a good thing for them to be familiar with the running of the household, bills, and such if they are not already doing those things.
ReplyDeleteSue I have such admiration for you in handling everything so well and in setting such a good example for many of us. You help us more than you may realize. You are so correct, we need to treasure our loved ones for we never know what may be ahead of us.
Thank you for your wise words. I have never commented before but enjoy your blog very much. I am a great reader too.
ReplyDeleteThank you Sue, for this honest appraisal of widowhood. It is my first anniversary today, I was widowed last year at 47, David was only 58. Very much appreciated. Xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks for these insights, Sue. I hadn’t thought about feeling lonely going to family events, but once I thought about it, of course. That’s the very time Colin would have always been with you. I haven’t lost a partner, thank God, but I did feel the absence/presence of a dearly loved aunt when she wasn’t with us for the first few years of family occasions . You also prompt me to get a grip on the family finances, I’ve always just ‘left it to him’, and I’d be completely at sea with bill payments and even where money was deposited!
ReplyDeleteYou have my admiration, you cope so well, and have such a positive attitude, but it must be hard.
Sue, your can do attitude and positivity are an inspiration. I'm sure you have your 'wobbles' but refuse to wallow. I think your beloved Col would be very proud of you
ReplyDeleteSuch wonderful advice for those of us who still have our significant others.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
I agree with every line and most especially with find a good garage to look after your car. I always told mine, I'll take care of you and you take care of me.
ReplyDeleteVery wise words, what a good post. xx
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how hard it is. Sending hugs x
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