Thank you for so many comments on my post. I still seem to be OK, with lots of help and support from so many people.
I had a whole load of posts in Drafts and I do love writing so I will keep blogging - a little bit of normal in between all the things that are not normal............and the Things You Have To Do are certainly not normal.
Many years ago I worked in the Borough Library in Bury St Edmunds, an old fashioned library and every morning before the library opened we tidied all the shelves. 2 people did the fiction one week and non fiction the next, while another 2 people did the other way round and then we all finished off by doing the junior library. Strict Dewey Decimal for the non-fiction and alphabetical for the fiction, then all the books had to be pulled to the front of the shelves and moved around so that they weren't too tight on the shelves or too loose so that they all fell over.
Anyway, all that is a preamble to mention a book that always seemed to be on the shelves, no one seemed to borrow it. The book was a Which guide.......'What to do when someone dies'. Of course no one borrowed it, we are a superstitious lot in Suffolk. Borrowing the book if you didn't need it would be 'tempting fate' and by the time you did need it it would be a hassle to have to rush to the library to get it.
Thankfully the hospital have a special booklet they hand out when someone passes away there. It lists all the official things that need doing. The first one is to ring the Bereavement Office and ask for the Medical Certificate to be completed by the doctor. This was a slow process because Colin passed away on a Friday afternoon and I rang and left a message on the Saturday which wasn't picked up until Monday and then the doctor didn't sign the certificate until late Tuesday, so the Bereavement Office people couldn't go up to the ward to get it until Wednesday morning and I couldn't pick it up until Wednesday afternoon. I rang the Registrars but couldn't get an appointment until Thursday morning and a death is supposed to be registered with 5 days and Thursday was 6 days. It was all OK as a note had been attached to the Medical Certificate to explain the delay.
The Registrars office is in Stowmarket, the same building where Colin and I were married in September 1979.
The Registrar asks a few questions and needs the medical certificate and birth certificate and other details and then issues the death certificates and a form that has to go to the Funeral Directors. So that was my next stop and an appointment made for next week, to sort things out. I'm so glad we are back in Mid Suffolk, it all seems so much more familiar - the Funeral Directors have been used for all family members - they've been in the town for 85 years! Strange really, that despite living over by the coast for 23 years, Stowmarket, the town that I lived in or near for the first 37 years of my life is much more like my Home Town than Saxmundham or Leiston ever were.
Back in a while
Sue
I am so sorry for your loss, I totally understand all that you are doing, time keeps moving and I wished it would just stop so I could get a handle on everything I had to do 4 years ago. I am thinking of you. from Iowa
ReplyDeleteI remember my dad saying how much needs to be done when someone dies (after his mother died) and it seems hard that those who are grieving the most have to do the most. Sending you all my love.
ReplyDeleteJ x
Thinking of you as you work through all the arrangements. Hoping that all the "officials" you encounter are patient, helpful and sensitive. May God surround you with love and peace.Your many friends, near and far, are supporting you right now x
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and your family at this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteOfficialdom can be so slow when sorting things - my FIL passed away recently and his case had to go to the Coroner so I think we ended up registering his death on day 7 or 8. We were also asked about the delay but they were fine when we explained. It is a worry for people when the book talks about 5 days by law, I think they should add the words 'unless extenuating circumstances apply'
The first days and weeks after the death of someone close are a blur of phone calls, officialdom and visiting offices to drop off letters, certificates and make appointments. It's the worst time to be forced to do all this as your brain really isn't working properly or firing on all cylinders.
ReplyDeleteI had that permanent, gut churning feeling as though I had missed something important. But it all gets done and I found virtually everyone we came across was truly helpful and considerate.
I'm glad you're getting to do all this on 'home turf', a little bit of familiarity in this strange time must help a smidge. And yes that little booklet certainly helps.
You are so right Sue, writing can be a little bit of normality and small things that are familiar can help so much. Sending you lots of love. Jane xx
ReplyDeleteI hope the arrangement are sorted so Sue and you have somebody to be with you.
ReplyDeleteHazel c uk
I used to sort out getting the doctors to complete death certificates when I was an NHS Management trainee in a hospital in Norwich in the early 1980s I always made a point of trying to get the certificates completed very quickly for the sake of relatives whose point of contact was me, not the doctors. I had several run-ins with doctors about it but I won't go into that. Good luck, sounds like you are on track to doing fine. xx
ReplyDeleteIt just shows how times have changed! My first job was working in the office at the Co-op Funeral Service and at that time it was approximately three or four days after the death of someone to the funeral.
ReplyDeleteMy own Dad died when I was working there and as he was only 46 and had not been ill the police came to investigate to see if there was 'foul play'. There was also an autopsy to find out the cause of his death, so with all that going on it still only took three days from his death to his funeral. It turned out that he died of a heart attack in his sleep.
My Mum died a couple of years ago in a Nursing Home with dementia and it took two weeks between her death and funeral.
It doesn't make sense in this day and age with computers and speedy communications that it should take so long.
Take care, Sue. My thoughts are with you at this time.
Joan (Devon)
My father died on the Sunday and the funeral was two days later on the Tuesday in 1970. He was only 50. We kept him the front room.
DeleteThe delay to the funeral is due to the chaplain being away.
DeleteWhen the farmer died Sue I seem to remember that I was able to get all kinds of things done by the Registrar by buying some sort of package - things like cancelling his Passport I remember. In some ways all this preamble helps I think - you are so busy doing all the things that have to be done that it isn't until after the funeral that things begin to get back to the new normality. You have good family quite near and that helps to sustain and comfort you. keep smiling through. x
ReplyDeleteThere is so much to do when you lose a loved one and it can go on for awhile. Being busy and having people around, though, does help with the grief. Look for the helpers.
ReplyDeletesending you as much love as I can . Sue and lovely hubby were a tower of strength to me after 51 years married to her lovely Dad
ReplyDeletewishing you the same help ; Please take each day one at a time
Thinking of you Love Joan XX
Still thinking of you, and hoping that your busy work is keeping you occupied, but that you still have time for reflection and family time. I hope the rest of the organizing goes smoothly for you. -Jenn
ReplyDeleteSue, it was nice to read that you're finding comfort in the fact that you're somewhere familiar and feel at home. It's good to have that feeling at a time like this. Love to you at this sad time x
ReplyDeleteThere is so much to do when somebody passes away that there seems little time to grieve properly but having to do certain things does bring some normality to every day which is helpful. Things took forever when Tom passed away but I do remember when we registered his death there was something whereby they automatically let a lot of people know, like pension office etc. I know it saved Mark a lot of work but there was still plenty to sort out. I'm glad you're finding some comfort being back in mid-Suffolk. xx
ReplyDeleteThinking of you at this sad time. XXXXX
ReplyDeleteMy father's death was the first and only time I've had to deal with all the legalities of dieing. Everyone was really helpful and nice. I did use a book from the library about probate and wills that was extremely helpful. I found it helped me running around keeping busy. Col will be missed, thinking of you. X
ReplyDeleteWe have that book, really helped when our respective parents died. We are both booked in to the University Hospital research, so no waiting for funeral and our kids have nothing to do. I think when someone you really do miss and grieve over the rituals and necessary form filling can help though. So sad - such a lovely man.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to have to be responsible for all those details when you are grieving. You're doing so well. I am sending my good wishes to you and your family all the way from Oregon, USA. ((hugs)), Teresa :-)
ReplyDeleteOver here as part of the pkg. arranged with the funeral home - you can have them take care of all kinds of paperwork - my friend said it was a Godsend when her husband died because there are so many odds & ends that you don't even think about at the time.
ReplyDeleteAlso - get a lot of copies of the death certificate and get a few notarized right off as you may be surprised at how many copies you will need over the next year as things come up.
So sorry for your loss - I do hope that the blogging helps just a small bit.
Like others have said, Sue, it helps to focus on the things that need to be done, as this is occupying some of your mind while waiting for Col’s funeral. It must be so comforting to find that you have a feeling of home at such a sad time. I’m glad that you keep on writing and it’s kind of you to share some of your thoughts with us especially if it is of some help to you.
ReplyDeleteThere's some comfort in the processes, but it can be a bit overwhelming unless you have people with you to help.
ReplyDeleteMy sister in law says she remembers nothing from the first week after her husband died.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you started with library books and a specific one rarely checked out. Yep....we wait til death happens......in early a.m. 2014 July when I got call from nursing home that my mom died. Went to see her before she was taken by cremation people. It was planned so thankful for that part. Nice to us. It's hard when death hits life of your beloved. I pray for blessings in this time of loss. Glad you're close to where you used to live and known I'm the area. May you feel peace from God as you go forward each day. Sympathy, prayers and hugs! :-} 🌺
ReplyDeleteThinking of you Sue.
ReplyDeleteHugs-x-
It fell to me to make final arrangements for my step farther my first encounter with funeral arrangements, he passed away at home and was taken to the chapel of rest, I used the internet to find out what to do, all made more difficult as he was still a German citizen, when my own dad followed by mum passed away I knew the procedure what we needed and what we didn't need, it is one of the most difficult things to arrange and one thing I learned was write lists take them with you, ask questions and write down the answers, thinking of you and your family.
ReplyDeleteGood to hear you're doing ok. Yes organising everything after a death is so time consuming...then there are the financial matters to sort out too...some people must get in a real panicky muddle with it all. xx
ReplyDeleteFor something that should be so simple its made more difficult or so it seems by everybody else at a time when you really could do with the simple process to be simple. Sounds like you are on your way to sorting things out and good that you have support of others.
ReplyDeleteMitzi
Bill has a copy of that book. Or he did, he needed it when his father passed away almost 12 years ago, and his mother is 93 now, it's a sad fact that at some point he'll be reading it again. And yes, there is a lot to do. I'm glad you have good support, and that being in mid Suffolk is a comfort to you. x
ReplyDeleteBeen thinking of you, Sue. I'm glad you have lots of support during this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteHello Sue. I have been reading your blog for some years now (mostly reading and not posting) and I am the Registrar for the Stowmarket office. I am sorry I was not on duty when you came in but I know my colleague would have looked after you. As registrars we take great pride in helping families through a really difficult time. I was so sorry to hear of the death of Colin. Just a couple of points .... I understand the frustration of waiting for the medical certificate to be released, I had exactly the same when my Mum died 2 years ago at Ipswich Hospital. The bereavement office staff are very nice people and really try hard to move things along. Sometimes there are delays as Drs able to certify the cause of death are not available for whatever reason. Secondly the 5 day rule is a legislative one and really goes back to a time when things were very different. As it is still a legal requirement it is actually us, not bereaved families, who are judged by it as (as with all government departments) we have performance indicators to report and be judged against. Also, where the Coroner is involved the 5 day rule is disregarded. Lastly I just wanted to put my own view regarding a 'delay' with a funeral. When my Mum died we had the funeral a month to the day after she died. The 'delay' gave us a chance to reflect, to plan,to gather our thoughts ... I have absolutely no regret in this as her funeral was something that I will always take comfort from as it paid tribute to her. My personal feeling is that trying to get a funeral over and done with can mean it is rushed and can take place whilst the shock element of death is still present. That's my own opinion and experience so can only speak for myself. If there is anything I can help with, or give advice on I would be more than happy to do so. I hope you have found the Tell Us Once service helpful, and glad a few posters have used the service to good effect (which I did, also) PS Stowmarket office is closed on Wednesdays, other offices in Suffolk are open but glad you decided to stick to the local one as lots of people do. Thinking of you Sue x
ReplyDeleteHello Wendy, thank you for you comment. I wish you had been the registrar on duty as I could have asked you if you are the lady who's mum once worked as a school lunchtime supervisor many years ago!
DeleteNo, that's not me Sue !
DeleteI wasn't able to post earlier. Please know you have my deepest sympathy at this most difficult time. You and your family will be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteSo many words of comfort for you, Sue, so I'd just like to add mine. Hugs, dear blog friend,
ReplyDeleteMargaret P
Bless you. When my mother died my brother rushed all the arrangements whereas I needed a bit of time to draw breath. It was the legal will bit he left me to deal with that we found difficult - I will just say not all solicitors are honest and the time delays were horrendous.
ReplyDeleteSuch a lot to do and think about. You seem To be be very organised. Take care of yourself in the coming days. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI hope you manage to get everything done, as people say it helps with the grief. Thinking of you and a big hug. X
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you are having to go through all this Sue, red tape seems endless. Do take care, and get plenty of rest. x
ReplyDelete