Last week there were blog posts from various people about being alone or being lonely - not the same thing at all.
When Brother-in-Law came over on Saturday to pick up some old ladders and a table it dawned on me that he was the first person I'd had a face to face conversation with since I went to Son and D-i-L's for Youngest Grandsons 1st birthday on the 4th of the month. 9 days with no conversation except to saying thank you to people in shops and to the post-lady. I've not got lots of people to phone either, chatting on the phone never ever came easily and was certainly discouraged years ago.
But on the whole I'm not lonely even though I'm alone.
Loneliness is what I felt in the first years at the smallholding when we moved halfway across Suffolk. Colin carried on with his County Council Bridge Inspectors job, the children all made new friends at their new schools but I left behind the Cub Scout Pack that I'd been involved with for 20+ years and neighbours and friends in the villages we'd lived in for 10 years. Things got better as we got busier on the smallholding with our goats, campsite, the Smallholders Society and growing for sale but that way of life doesn't give much opportunity for getting to know people well.
Loneliness was what I felt through periods of black depression, when no one knew how to help me.
Luckily help was found eventually and the depression was never so bad as to be hopeless - Thank goodness........... as that's a different thing altogether.
There wasn't time to be lonely we had to deal with Col's illness although I can see how some people feel very alone when coping with cancer. We seemed to spend all our time traveling to hospitals or waiting in waiting rooms.
It's lucky too that I'm OK with my own company and don't get bored either, always something to interest me in books, on the blog, in the kitchen, with the family or on TV and in the garden when the weather is better.
And I get complete control of the TV remote and choose what I want to eat and when. Being alone isn't all bad as long as you are not lonely.
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Yesterday the weather man kept say "it's much warmer today" but it didn't feel like it here, the snow was disappearing fast but I'm sure it just made the air very cold. At least I was at last able to do a load of washing as the washing machine outlet defrosted. We are forecast to have some warm days later this week which ties in with my First Of The Month weather saying ........"There is always one warm week in February".
Back Tomorrow
Sue
Hello Sue,
ReplyDeleteYes, being alone is very different from feeling lonely and in these strange times, we need to try and ensure that loneliness is not allowed to creep into our lives if at all possible.
Reaching out to others, even for a brief chat, or through the virtual world of the internet all helps one to connect and one can immerse oneself in the hopes, dreams, troubles or whatever of others and escape from one's own world for a while. It then somehow feels reassuring to return to the familiar routines of home.
Spring is just around the corner and without a doubt your garden will keep you busy then. It is such a joyful time of year when those first shoots appear.
We always find some nice weather appears in February somewhere. Garden is sodden but we did cover the soil from the raised bed when we emptied it and hope to fill the new containers even if we haven’t got all the plants we need to fill them. So true about the above. I think people forget you can also be lonely in a couple with very diverse interests or even in a group you don’t really fit into. Strange things loneliness or aloneness aren’t they?
ReplyDeleteI am a very self sufficient person and could take many days of being on my own and it would not bother me at all - like you I always have things to interest me. My mum on the other hand is very needy of people and has no interests at all, which is what is making everything much more difficult for her(and us) now she is virtually housebound. She needs constant entertaining and would love my sister to move in with her just so she could sit and chat all day about the old days. She certainly comes under the lonely category.
ReplyDeleteBeing happy with one's own company and being able to do what you want is a bonus of course. I think the secret lies in looking outward instead of inwards.
ReplyDeleteGenerally I enjoy my own company which is just aswell as I'm working on my own. I felt at my loneliness when I was at home with my young child and never really did adapt that well. I started working at the weekends when he was a few months old and then returned to work part time when he was a toddler. It helped me cope much better. Arilx
ReplyDeleteI was very much the yougest child, and spent a great deal of time on my own growing up. I left what counted for my home the day I hit 18, lived on my own in various places before marrying my ex, and lived on my own after him for 5 years before re-marrying. I have never felt lonely in all that time, apart from during the last years of marriage to my ex.
ReplyDeleteWe are all different in how we feel about being alone - for some it means lonliness, for others it is quite enjoyable. I think that making someone else responsible for our happiness is asking for trouble.
OI totally agree about the difference between being alone and being lonely. I can feel very lonely in a crowd! Being alone, for me, is fine - I like it.
ReplyDeletexx
An interesting subject today Sue. I am like a few of us we enjoy our own company. I am quite happy crocheting, doing puzzles and gardening (I sorted and moved 10 big pots yesterday). I have lost 4 long time friends the last comple of years.it was not easy to move to a small village from a larges town, but I Love were I am with houses around me at the front and fields at the back best of both worlds. I am also very lucky by D. Is about 5 miles away.
ReplyDeleteLook after yourselves everyone.
Hazel c uk 🌈🌈🌈
I too am a homebody and quite okay with my own company for a while and have experienced both types of being alone and being lonely. Even with my husband here all the time I still get feelings of loneliness and that isn't due to the lockdown. It started when we moved to Wales far away from family and friends with my husband working long hours. Ah well, water under the bridge, so to speak.
ReplyDeleteAfter me and John wrote about being on our own the other day I came to realise that it is all relative when I read the comments. I think it helps to think outside the box a bit though.
ReplyDeleteA very interesting post and you've got a lot of people thinking.
ReplyDeleteI am great at being on my own and have never felt lonely when alone. I feel more lonely when I am with people that do not understand me or I do not want to be with. I am also pretty much phone phobic so I will do anything to avoid having to phone around, hard at times and once I have to do it I will and get on a bit of a roll and just get on with it, but with the last call comes a great sense of relief. But it does mean that I can go days without chatting to people ... I can't really call Suky a person although she likes to think she is ;-)
I'm just your text book introvert ... bubbly and chatty, I can to talk to anyone and be the life and soul of the party for a while ... but I HAVE to recharge my batteries alone, as it drains me completely.
Aloneness is my happiness.
I'm used to living alone now so don't find the isolation difficult. I have plenty of things that interest me and occupy my time and I rarely feel lonely. I don't even crave conversation and now go for a few days at a time without speaking to another person ... I don't know whether that's a sign of becoming institutionalised or not!
ReplyDeleteBeing alone, whether by choice or otherwise, is definitely completely different from being lonely and I am fortunate that I very rarely feel lonely. On the few occasions that I have felt truly lonely I have been with a group of people.
My loneliness is intermittent and cunning
ReplyDeleteIt catching me unawares, when I least want it to
Most of the time I’m fine and grateful to have what I have
But loneliness still lurks like a child’s monster under the bed
This is a brilliant post and many people, it seems, can relate to it. I don't mind being alone if I have things to do or to occupy my time like reading, TV, music, crafting, cooking, sorting out and tidying etc. I have felt lonely in a crowd though. Once I went to a function at the local theatre where I had volunteered to serve in the coffee shop on a regular basis. At the function no-one spoke to me as they came with a partner or friend and, once I had collected my food from the buffet, there was nowhere to sit other than alone in the foyer. I ate my food and left. It was making me feel lonely and depressed, not a nice thing to feel having paid £10 for the privilege! Alone and lonely are very different things....
ReplyDeleteI think most blog writers are lonely and that is why they write.
ReplyDeleteNorthsiderl
DeleteI am a widow and had a good marriage. I am certainly not lonely but I enjoy reading blogs and there is so much learnt from them.
Hazel c uk 🌈🌈
northsider...is that why you blog? I certainly don't write my blog out of loneliness. I find your comment a bit of a sweeping statement!
DeleteWas your husband very controlling? You say you now have control of the remote and can eat what you like. That sounds as if you were married to someone who controlled you.
ReplyDeleteMy husband always asks if there's something I'd like to watch on the television before he watches sport which I don't much like, I'm more often reading but he does ask. Also I eat what I want when I want and so does my husband! Nobody is going to tell me what I can and can't eat, I just wouldn't put up with that.
What a strange comment
DeletePerhaps the comment could have been better written but also perhaps not so strange John, there are many who let their husbands have the upper hand in lots of things, if we heard of a husband only letting his wife wear what he thought was suitable or dictating how often they could see their friends wouldn't we see that as controlling behaviour? Not being able to eat what you want and when does sound similar.
DeleteAlthough as the cooks in the house I think many of us mostly make what our partner likes rather than ourselves and we fit our own lifestyle around theirs, as in when we eat. I don't know about the remote control side of it as we don't have a television! We certainly don't fight over the radio control knobs!
I found anons comment bordering on rude
DeleteSo did I John. It's someone who obviously doesn't know Sue or Colin at all. Even the tiniest bit of back reading shows that they had a lovely and very equal relationship.
DeleteI know exactly what Sue means about having control of the remote and only having to bother with cooking what you want when you want to.
I can't agree with Northsider's comment above. If I were widowed I don't know if I'd be lonely. I am impressed with how you have managed your widowhood.
ReplyDeleteFebruary warmth is here today. Above freezing for the first day in weeks.
I've never felt lonely when I'm alone. Being alone centers and comforts me. But when other people are around, pushing and pulling me off-kilter with all their roller coaster emotions, I just want them to go away and leave me alone.
ReplyDeleteAlone. Loneliness. Isolation. In my view, the biggest issue is the mandated isolation brought on by Covid. Normally, we would all have our activities to enjoy (with or without others) in places much enjoyed (at home or abroad). "Others" might be strangers, friends or family. It is the separation from many of our previously enjoyed activities which are either gone or done over zoom... that are all very much missed. This loss is hard. Don't we all look forward to a return to normalcy?
ReplyDeleteWhat a very interesting post. I think loneliness can be different for different people. The loneliest I have ever felt has been when I was in the middle of a group of people. It's not that I don't like people, I do very much, but some crowds seem to increase loneliness. I guess it depends on the situation. I am quite happy being alone and I am one that needs at least some time alone to myself. I am married so I don't live alone, but we each value our alone time even when together.
ReplyDeleteI've been alone for nearly a year now with this bloody pandemic. And mostly it's been ok
ReplyDeleteI can see the difference between being alone and being lonely. Not being widowed I don't know if I could cope as well as you.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
I'm rarely lonely, but I do sometimes miss people so badly that there are tears. I miss my children. I miss my grandchildren. I want to hug them all.
ReplyDelete