When I read about the subject of this novel (Fiction Published 1978) I just had to read it. No copy in the library but a 1p copy was available from Amazon.From the book jacket....................
Abra has left a husband, children and suburban security to live in an isolated cabin (In a Canadian forest) without mirrors, clocks or human contact.As time has passed her senses have sharpened, her muscles hardened and she has achieved the inner peace and strength which has always eluded her in the past.
But when Kate her daughter tracks her down 9 years later, Abra is forced to account for her actions and dramatically re-evaluates her life.
Did she have some sort of breakdown? is she ill or is she now well?
Surely most mothers/wives have thought about vanishing? Or is it just me. The responsibilities of childcare, housekeeping, managing can be totally overwhelming.There are just so many things to worry about, then turn on the TV and the whole worlds problems can provide another set of worries.
I once had to give up a discussion group because the other mums wanted to take turns in caring for the children away from the group. I couldn't do it - yet there I was......A good Cub Scout Leader managing 20+ 8 - 11 year old boys every week but the thought of looking after a group of half a dozen 1 - 4 year olds filled me with terror. I felt I was walking a tightrope with our own two children under 2 years old..............one false move and I would fall into an abyss.
When I explained Gaining Ground to Colin he said it sounded like something I might do and the children have often told me that I'm turning into a hermit! But I do like being at home, people talking about cabin-fever due to the snow? No idea what it is - especially this time of year. If there is no need to go out - it suits me fine!
I can happily go to WI and socialise for a couple of hours but I don't need crowds of friends coming round - even having family here can sometimes get me in a panic. I couldn't be a perfect Nanna and look after grandchildren full time. At the moment I'd struggle for just a few hours although when they are older I'm sure it will be easier. Col's Mum was a born baby minder, she was a nanny for a few years before she married and Colin arrived. She looked after our children one afternoon every week which was a godsend to me - she was also in her late 40's when our children were under 3 whereas I'm in my early 60s and feeling it too sometimes!
This book describes perfectly how you can't really make somebody into someone else. Everyone is an individual. If you make someone do something they can't do does it make them selfish for not trying or you selfish for thinking they ought to try?
One of the Amazon reviews of this book said "every year or so I need to read it again". I think that's how I feel - a book to keep and read again.
Thanks for comments yesterday.
Back Tomorrow
Sue
You can be someone who loves isolation, solitude, peace, quietness and time to yourself without wanting or needing to opt out of social life completely and totally.
ReplyDeleteAt least, I hope so, because I'm like that too. There are things I flatly won't do although working with children is not one of them. I love children (for a while)
J x
All my life I have had a yearning to live by myself on a remote island, or in a house with a very high wall around it, or a moat. My grandchildren live right next door, I adore them, but I still sometimes wish there was a moat. I need periods of isolation, which is probably one of the reasons I take such long walks and the best ones are those where I don't meet anyone who wants to stop for a chat.
ReplyDeleteConfession time, after Easter my grandchildren will be coming into our house for three quarters of an hour before the school bus picks them up. I am dreading it, I feel my freedom is being stolen, I already have them for a couple of hours after school and at weekends they spend a lot of time here. I have that panicked, overwhelmed and squeezed feeling and I hate myself for it.
I need to read that book.
Oh,I know what you mean..I feel like that too...then feel guilty for feeling like it!!.Dx
DeleteMe too! At last - I know I'm not alone!!!
DeleteInteresting. Whenever I'm feeling stressed, I find myself fervently wishing I lived on a desert island, with just my dog for company. No disrespect to my OH, but sometimes he does talk too much and I just love peace and quiet.
ReplyDeleteHave ordered a copy for myself - thanks :)
ReplyDeleteI need to buy a copy of this book immediately, for the sake of my sanity. It sometimes feels I have been trying for most of my life to fit into other peoples versions of my life, and in their opinion doing it badly. I had my perfect life very briefly for just over a year ... and then once again we moved on.
ReplyDeleteAs for grandchildren, I think I feel just the same as you there, but from a different starting place. If I had gotten to know them as babies perhaps we could have developed and grown together but when you have only seen them once every couple of years it's hard to have any sort of relationship.
A cabin in the woods, with a Pug for company would be lovely.
Although I am not a mum I can identify with a lot of what you say here. I can also see it was in my mother is bucket loads. I like being on my own, I never had cabin fever during the snow, and the thought of having friends round does not excite me. Good post.
ReplyDeleteMy mother would not look after any of her grandchildren or babysit and made it clear to my brothers that as they had chosen to have children the responsibility of looking after them was firmly theirs.
DeleteMy husband has called me anti-social at times because I'm not one for joining in or meeting up with people. I've never been one for spontaneous meetings with friends or small talk and I like a few days notice for any sociable plans he may have. Perhaps I am anti-social, but it doesn't really bother me. I do have friends, but not on the doorstep and we're not in constant touch with each other. I know they are there if I need them. Blogging friends are ideal.
ReplyDeleteFunnily enough my husband had to go out yesterday because he was bored with being at home due to the snow and wanted a change. Needless to say I didn't go.
I'm also the same with children. I never enjoyed it when my daughter brought friends home. I hope I never showed it although I don't think I did as they always seemed to be here more than she was at their houses and I always joined in when they wanted me to.
I always thought there was something unnatural with me for feeling this way, but I'm glad and relieved to find there are others feeling the same.
Joan (Devon)
I admire your honesty! Much the same as my thoughts. We're classed as hermits by our 3 grown children, preferring a simpler life. Although I help with childcare of our 2 grandchildren (eldest son's 2) now and again (used to be more regular) I admit I do find it a struggle - but I thought it was just me being abnormal!! Middle son gets married this year - so happy for him but also secretly dreading it all!!!
ReplyDeleteWhen in the right mood I can socialise well...but these Winter evenings...when you're warm and cosy by the fire...then I can hardly be bothered with our weekly pub trip...being cooped up with poorly husband was rather frustrating though! x
ReplyDeleteI too love to be at home, on my own when necessary, it's comfortable, I enjoy my space.
ReplyDeleteWe do not go out anymore, I can't be bothered places filled with people, we keep in touch with our friends and family.
I have lived alone for the past 15 years, widowed in my fifties and take great joy in helping care for 4 g.children aged 2/to 9. I have them before school, after school and one day with the little one. However, it is understood that if I wish to go out for the day or go away for a few days, I do and other arrangements are made, without any question. I find winter days long and tiresome if incarcerated in the house for 24 hours so I do belong to a lot of groups so I get to speak to someone and my brain gets used. Think anyone who has been in a family situation when you are st the beck and call of children and useless partners has dreamed of a cabin in the woods, for a short while at least. I think we all need interaction with each other at some time, but company has to be the right company. The book does sound tempting, I truly hope you are never left on your own. Judith.
ReplyDeleteI often crave to be alone and have to take stock of things to shake the feeling off.I have reached 62 and am still very much involved in two of my son's lives,one because of epilepsy as a result of brain damage plus other health problems,and one who is back with us and suffers from aspergers, anxiety and depression.My husband retired a year ago and just always seems to be hovering waiting to be told what to do, it is hard for a man after 47 years of work to adjust ,I have found him an allotment so that helps. Grand children are a way away and late teens so don't need our attention, just the odd few pounds for treats and a phone call which is always lovely.I know I shouldn't complain but sometimes it feels that I have forgotten who I am because of my roll as a carer, mum and wife and the restrictions because of my son's health on any me time,I would love a few days in that hut in the woods but then I think of what I have got, a nice home, no mortgage and three handsome, and adorable sons, enough money to live on and still a little voice screams " find your own dinner, wash your own clothes,try out that odd looking machine that sucks up dirt, change the toilet roll, look in the obvious places when you can't find anything because I'm going out!". Moan over!
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't like to live entirely on my own....and I would definitely be too scared to live in a cabin in the woods......I would like to have more time for myself. I seem to be on call for eighteen hours a day and like Chrissie would love for my two (husband and daughter) to grow up a bit and take a bit more responsibility for themselves.
ReplyDeleteI adore my grandchildren and enjoy them visiting and going to visit them too but I do have a sort of limit and am always ready to get back to doing my own thing.
If I could drive I'd probably take myself off for a couple of days every now and again.
Hugs-x-
Long time lurker here - really enjoy your blog. I also don't understand this thing about cabin fever, as I am (and always have been) a bit of a loner. I do enjoy a couple of social activities (craft club, quilting, and book group) but much prefer pottering round my own little home/garden. I did make a lot more effort when the children were small but I also had days when I wanted to just get on a bus and go far, far away where no-one knew me. Like Chrissie above, I too had one of my kids move back in with me (and oddly enough also recently diagnosed (in their 30's) with Aspergers, anxiety and depression) and much as I love them and wanted to help them, I was also climbing the walls sometimes. Fortunately they now seem settled in their own place with a partner, and I can breathe again. Some friends try to get me to be more "sociable" but that just makes me grumpy and less sociable.
ReplyDeleteHave just ordered the book you mention - despite me saying no more books until I have cleared some space on the shelves. I like a very tidy, minimalist home and often get rid of stuff, except for books - although they are arranged in (mainly) height order on my three and a half bookcases. We may be losing our local libraries due to council cuts so I shall be glad of my stash of unread books.
I've always maintained that we all need our own spaces away from people & the world, some of us need more time in them while others need less. I suspect a lot more of us would prefer more time alone if we were honest. I'd have stayed married longer if we lived in a duplex - & visited. I prefer to live alone & be alone most of the time because I love my space - although I'll go out for lunch or coffee anytime!!
ReplyDeleteI recommend a book by Constance Beresford-Howe called 'The Book of Eve'. Eve gets her first government pension check in the mail. She goes into her room, packs a bag & leaves her house, spouse & marriage behind without saying a word to anyone. I reread that book constantly because I understand exactly why she did it. The author got a grant to write about women's lives & has four or five other books about women faced with starting over.
Love this book too. I knew the author when I lived in Toronto.
DeleteInteresting to note how many commenters identified with the need to have alone time, to not be on constant call to mind grandchildren and to simply enjoy some peace and quiet without being called hermits. Count me in.
ReplyDeleteI often feel like getting away from it all, especially lately with all that's been going on with Tom. I can fully understand how some people just walk out and are never heard of again.
ReplyDeleteBriony
x
I am going to order this from the local library. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI am just fine around people for awhile, but really mush prefer the company of only a few. Harvey knows that when I start snapping, I need my alone time.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
You tempted me into reading this, so I myself popped onto Amazon to get it - £27 they wanted so I think I will have to wait!
ReplyDeleteOh No! There were several for 1p or a bit more when I got this a couple of months ago
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteJust found it on eBay. There are a few copies available under £5 with free postage.
DeleteThanks for that Gwen - but I've just been on eBay and none there. Think you're creating a shortage Sue! Anyone got a copy they want to sell?!
DeleteI'm quite a loner too. Luckily, because I don't get out much, particularly in cold weather, due to a painful condition which caused me to retire early over 20 years ago. I was the youngest child of 4, much later than the others, and spent a lot of time on my own. I think that has set a 'norm' in me which means that I'm actually quite happy on my own most of the time.
ReplyDeleteI am in my early sixties and I still work, in the City of Philadelphia, although hope to retire in May and I am very happy to just be at home. I'm never at a loss with my own thoughts and projects and just things I want to do. I am looking forward to more of that. Pottering in my own home.
ReplyDeleteI was very gregarious as a younger woman, loved company and a good party. Nowadays I love my own company, haven't been to a party for yonks and quite frankly last week's snow meant I could just stay in, bliss! I saw an instagram post that said something along the lines of "Every time I go out I am reminded exactly why I stay in". That's me. I now go to theatre matinees on my lonesome, by choice, just enjoy the ballet or a play and no bloody talking! Unsociable, moi?
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you wrote this post and also that so many have commented they agree. I have always felt rather guilty and odd because I need time to myself and I have to psych myself up for visitors. My other half is lovely and knows when to leave me alone which explains why we have managed 40 happy years together. Perhaps if I was forced to be alone and it wasn't my choice I would feel differently as I know there are people who suffer dreadfully from social isolation.
ReplyDeleteI am very grateful that I have a loving partner and children and grandchildren who like to visit me but I do love a little bit of me time too.
Julie x.
I can see from all the comments that I am not alone in what I thought was weird thinking LOL I love my own company, and much prefer to be left alone to do what I want when I want. I've been married for 36 years to a man who 'gets' me .... I have 4 children who 'get' me but still joke that I'm a recluse. I used to love a good party but now I can't be bothered with it. My idea of fun is a long solitary walk in nature, no people around except the hubby and/or adult children. Yes, I do have friends with whom I communicate daily over text .... no facebook though. I go walking twice a week with a friend but she will be moving soon so I will go back to being alone. Fine by me at this stage of life as I've already been through enough!
ReplyDeleteSandy
That book sounds really interesting. I doubt there is a mother that has not thought of running away to a cabin in the woods at one time or another. I do fine alone, too. Although I belong to a few organizations, well, 3 of them, and the monthly meetings fulfill all my need for being social. ((hugs)), Teresa :-)
ReplyDeleteI can remember being frantic at times when I was at home with my toddler son...after a few months I got a job at the weekend for a few hours to give me a break [my son was being looked after by his Dad]. I read "Can any Mother help me" by Jenna Bailey which was based upon a letter written by a young mother suffering from isolation to Nursery World magazine in 1935 and the flood of sympathetic responses she received. So it seems it's an issue which goes way back! Arilx
ReplyDeleteI think you struck a chord with many people! I have always loved my alone time and even though my husband and I are both retired now we each spend a fair amount of time doing our own thing such as hobbies or reading. I enjoy being with family or a few people occasionally but I need my alone time. I think it is healthy for people to be aware of what type of situation most helps them to be the person they want to be.
ReplyDeleteWho hasn't thought, even if only for a moment, of throwing off their responsibilities and finding a life that is more in tune with what their ideal life is? And that escaping to a Walden Pond sort of idea is very attractive (although I recall reading that Thoreau's nearest neighbor was in fact only a few hundred feet away!)
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who, when her children were young, would take a long weekend "off" from family responsibilities. She'd check into a nice hotel, order room service, and read or watch movies all weekend - no kids, no husband, no responsibilities! I loved that her husband encouraged her to do it and it probably accounts for the fact that their marriage is on year 41!
I think this is wonderful..i am a ver happy person with a large family..but just now and again i love my own company...just me my books and peace..but then i would start to miss my family..so escaping for a few hours would be fine..
ReplyDeleteI will be ordering this book from the library..it sounds so good.
ftm
I got this book from the charity shop for a bargin £2. Loved it and it will be one of the very few books that I will keep and re-read.
ReplyDelete