A year ago today was the awful day when Colin died. In the third year of
treatment for Mantle Cell Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma the end came suddenly
after what we thought would be just a week in hospital on antibiotics
like he'd had so many times before. But this time he didn't get home
again.
It's
been a strange year since then - that's Suffolk Understatement! and
this last week especially hard, back to loneliness with a bump after the
holiday with family and then a Bank Holiday Weekend, when everything
always seems to be organised for families and couples to enjoy, but not
for people alone................. I didn't know that some days would
feeler harder to get through now than they did a year ago.
I've learned a lot in a year........ how to do things I couldn't do before, how to organise jobs that Colin would have taken care of. I've also found that some people who you think will help actually don't and some friends can't cope with being a friend to a single person. I'm really glad I have children and grandchildren to help fill the hollow empty-ness, something that is so difficult to describe and unlikely to be filled by anything.
But I've have got through a year by myself and life goes on and on the whole I've found out how to manage alone. My way is to find things I like doing, to keep busy and to make life as interesting but as normal as possible.
So there's no point dwelling on sadness, it won't make Colin come back and as it's Saturday again here's the happy things I did last week............................
๐Flower "arranging" .........................I brought in the last of the tulips from the cutting garden
๐Bargain hunting....................... last Saturday, around a village which had garage/yard sales but blimey the wind was cold. I found a lovely Gap cardigan for Willow for £1 (no point in knitting......not that I can........when secondhand finds are as cheap and good quality as this); a Duplo truck; more books for the grandchildren and a little step to go by the toilet for Jacobs next visit. Then it started to snow! which turned to hail and rain and I went home to keep warm and watch the snooker.
๐Gardening................sorting the outside pots and then mainly in the greenhouse, putting the tomatoes, cucumbers, aubergines and peppers into the big pots and fixing up canes. On Bank Holiday Monday morning I planned to tackle the grass cutting but found both the ride-on and the small mower had flat batteries.....(Duh! note to self - put batteries on charge more often) so that job had to wait until afternoon and luckily it stayed fine although very grey and cold. Looking at the rows that should be beetroot seedlings there are huge gaps - I've never had much luck with sowing things straight into the ground which is why we had His and Her jobs at the smallholding. I'll try and fill the gaps with more seeds. Courgettes have been planted out and covered with a plastic tunnel cloche. Squash and peas have been sown in pots in the greenhouse ....a bit late really but they'll catch up hopefully. I bought some cheap flower plug plants from Asda for the shabby chic ladder then discovered all the things I used to plant things in that fit on the ladder steps have fallen to bits/gone rotten/vanished.
☔☔☔Keeping dry and warm.........................we've had plenty of rain now - it can stop please, as the water butts are all full and as well as rain it's been chilly all week. ๐ฅI lit the wood-burner a couple of times.
The forecast for the weekend is better and warmer for next week too - hope it's right so I can get out to some boot sales.
I really have to think hard to find things to be grateful for this week, not the best of weeks.........
- Rain for the gardens after several weeks dry
- A lovely collection of library books
- My home in the peace and quiet of the Suffolk Countryside
Sue
I'm sorry you've had to learn to live with the emptiness but you have been brilliant all year. Have a {{{virtual hug}}}. X X
ReplyDeleteVery important piece of advice, that last sentence - thank you Sue. I've always shuddered to think how on earth I would cope if I were left alone (especially now husband has the health problems), but you've shown it is possible. Hard, but possible. My thoughts are with you today, Sue x
ReplyDeleteYou are coping so well but it is only to be expected that sadness will colour your days. You have the love of family and people around you hold on to that. xx
ReplyDeleteIn this last year you have shown enormous courage, ingenuity and determination and you've been gracious enough to share it with us, your readers. You've given us so much to value and respect this year and I thank you very much for it.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know Col, but I have no doubt he would have been so proud of you.
Have a good weekend yourself. xxx
I always read your blog but don't usually comment. So just to say thinking of you today x.
ReplyDeleteYou are often in my thoughts and prayers - but especially today. Your blog resounds with courage, wisdom, wit and above all, love. Col would have been proud of all you have achieved in the last 12 months. God bless you always, and may the love and support of family and friends continue to surround you.
ReplyDeleteSome days are harder than others and this week has been bad for me. Glad you have found some happy things to do. So did I.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you x Yes some days are very hard to get through especially in the first year of being on your own. I am so impressed by your can do and will do attitude that I have tried to adopt it as my mindset recently.Yesterday I did some decorating but if the weather is good today I am hoping to do some gardening.I am glad you have your lovely supportive family and those lovely grandchildren who will come to know Colin through you. If it helps Sue you are not on your own there are lots of us sharing the journey with you and I read your blog and think about you. Those buys look brilliant I knit but honestly why buy wool when such bargains are to be had. Special thoughts are with you today x
ReplyDeleteMy DDiL had this link which you may find interesting
ReplyDeletehttps://player.fm/series/tedtalks-audio/we-dont-move-on-from-grief-we-move-forward-with-it-nora-mcinerny
I was just going to recommend that TED talk! Thinking of you, Sue - you've shown great courage and determination over the past year. I'm sure your children are proud of you.
ReplyDeleteOnwards and upwards eh Sue?
ReplyDeleteLots of loving thoughts and (((hugs))) for you as another page is turned in your 'new' life.
You've shown how it can be done!
Take care
Cathy
No words except to say my thoughts are with you
ReplyDeleteSending you much love and a massive virtual (((hug))). By talking honestly about your life without Colin you are helping so many people xxx
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't seem possible that a year has passed since I read your sad news last year. We had all been rooting for Colin to recover but it wasn't to be. Writing from the heart as you do Sue is helping others who have or are facing the same dilemma. My thoughts are with you. X
ReplyDeleteColin would be so proud of you.Gardening is a great hobby to have,keeps you busy and helps the time to pass.What a bargain the cardigan was.Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteHugs from Scotland! Take care of yourself...
ReplyDeleteLesley in Livingston. xx
I read your blog each day Sue - you're such an inspiration to so many !
ReplyDeleteThis past year has been a difficult journey for you - Col would be so proud of you .
Holding you in my thoughts , especially today .
Pankhurst X .
With special thoughts Sue. I wish I lived nearer to you.
ReplyDeleteHazel c uk.
Love,hugs and best wishes to you and your lovely Family.Im sure that Col is looking down and feeling so proud of you all.Your last sentence brought a tear to my eyes and I will make sure I do that,xxx
ReplyDeleteYou are doing really well Sue, I have just had the second anniversary of my husbands death from cancer we decided as a family to change the way we looked at the day instead of being sad we see the day as very special as it was the last day we spent with him and all the family came to me for a meal. Heather
ReplyDeleteYou have done amazingly well, Col would be proud of you. Hugs from me. xxx
ReplyDeleteCol would be so very proud of you Sue.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today.
Hugs-x-
You are a very strong and resilient woman. But every once in a while I am pretty sure you wish you didn't have to be so strong. XO
ReplyDeleteSending love and hugs Sue.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today. There's lots of ups and downs when you're suffering from grief but anniversaries are always hard to cope with. Sending hugs xx
ReplyDeleteI think you've done amazingly well. Of course you've had down days, but you've been so positive and determined. Much to be proud of.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you Sue. You've been bl**dy amazing over the past year, brave and strong when you definitely have not wanted to be but had no choice, and I suspect somewhere out there are other women in your situation who quietly read your posts and gain hope & inspiration from them. xx
ReplyDeleteI have no luck sowing direct into the ground either - all I am doing is creating succulent hors d'oeuvres for slugs.
Ah yes, widowhood Sue, I think you are doing very well for one year. It is just over two years now since David died - gets a bit easier, but like you say - however you are nothing is going to bring them back.
ReplyDeleteKeep on the good work my dear - he would have been proud of you.
Oh and by the way - those people you thought would help who haven't are justnot worth giving any thought to.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you on this anniversary date. From reading your posts, it seems that you have indeed managed to carry on and find things to keep you busy, although it can't have been easy. Doing things for the grandchildren has been helpful, no doubt. Take care, Jenn
ReplyDeleteThoughts very much with you today. I feel strangely privileged that Col commented on my blog a couple of times.
ReplyDeleteThoughts and prayers
ReplyDeleteSometimes we are in the middle of the ocean in a boat with no oars-others do nothing or don't know what to do!
Thoughts and hugs for you and your family, Sue.x
ReplyDeleteTake children and grandchildren out of the equation and it becomes a whole new ballgame.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you Sue on this special anniversary. The first hard hurdle to overcome. Many hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteYes it is bloody hard on your own, having to do absolutely every job there is inside and out. Your family sound so lovely and supportive and you are also outgoing and ready to try new things. I wish you good luck for the future, hope your beans grow and your log pile is never ending.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today Sue and admiring all the things you get on with, and you have done so well. Those three beautiful Grandchildren have a Nannie to be proud of. I expect you have been out ‘booting’ this morning, I’ve been to the Scouts Gala,came home with a bagful of bargains but due to the weather I got soaked through!
ReplyDeleteI hope you can take some comfort from knowing how highly you are thought of in the blogging community and how you are often in the thoughts of so many of us. One day at a time ..
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. I have not been around online much this last year, but in catching up I think you have done marvellously well as it's downright bl**dy hard picking up the pieces when we lose a loved one so close, and when it is unexpected as we think they will be home again soon. You should be proud of yourself. Colin would be.
ReplyDeleteToday must be such a difficult day, but you know we are all with you in spirit. We all admire how you have coped over the last year Sue, and hope that in some way you have found strength from knowing we are here listening. I am sure that there are many people who would love to meet you in person, if you felt like doing this at some time in the future - I know we could spend many hours exchanging camper stories!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today. My husband passed away at the end of December and reading your blog has inspired and helped me enormously to get through the long days. Thank you for sharing your journey. Maureen xx
ReplyDeleteSue I truly admire you for you have been such an inspiration for others that have or will go through a similar situation. I can not imagine the difficulties this past year has brought you but you should be proud of yourself for staying busy and and going forward as you have done. Many in the blog world are here for you and I am thankful you and your blog are here for us.
ReplyDeleteI think you are doing wonderfully well. People do not give themselves time to grieve.
ReplyDeleteThinking that you all today and sending our very best wishes. Youre doing really well. It is hard at weekends and holidays that when I missed D the most when he was away working and at times I would feel so lonely, the bus kept me busy though. Give yourself a big hug you deserve it XXX๐
ReplyDeleteThinking of you Sue.
ReplyDeleteYou are often in my thoughts as what you went through with Colin is a mirror image of what my aunt went through with her husband 4 years ago. It was as devastating as anything for her, like you, to lose her husband but then 9 weeks later her 45 year old son died suddenly of a brain aneurysm. You seem to be coping so well, but of course we only see what you choose to share. I'm so glad you have your family close by to help lighten the darkness that must comes over you at times. Thank goodness for those beautiful grandchildren.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing so well! Grief and loneliness will ambush you unexpectedly at any time but anniversaries can be especially hard. Thinking of you today.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about Colin. Anniversaries are hard. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today Sue. My mum finds the weekends the hardest since my dad died, even after 13 years on her own, so we try to be there for her each weekend especially Sundays but it is sometimes difficult for us now we have our own children and grandchildren to see too.
ReplyDeleteYou have been an inspiration to everyone, especially being able to write about how you have coped - I am sure it has been a tremendously hard year for you. I hope you can find more ways to relieve the emptyness and move forward. x
You have been amazing Sue. I admire the way you have coped, and got out and about, doing things and engaging with others. I wish my Mum had been more like you after my Dad's death.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you on this special day. Wishing you well as you move on.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts for what has been such a difficult anniversary for you - I bet in some ways it seems like only yesterday that Col died.
ReplyDeleteI think you have coped amazingly well, and as you say, thank heavens for family. I find it very hard to understand former friends who don't stand by you at such a difficult time in your life, and others who don't want to know you because you're not part of a couple any more. At least you know who your friends are now.
You have pricked my guilty conscience over growing things in the garden - at the moment the flowers have won hands down. I really MUST get other stuff than runner beans started!
My husband died twelve years ago after some years with Alzheimer's. For many years after the time before the anniversary of his death and the time before significant holidays I would begin to feel bad, disturbed, losing peace. It is not so much that way now, but I will always miss him. We had 35 great years together. But my three grown up children and four grandchildren live close by and I have a few good friends and interests. Life is good. I try to cultivate gratitude for which I have many reasons.
ReplyDeleteI admire how you engage yourself in life! And I wish you all the best.
Thinking of you and sending hugs. xx
ReplyDeleteLove & hugs x
ReplyDeleteThinking of you Suex
ReplyDeleteArilx
You have done amazingly well this past year and the first of anything - his birthday, Christmas, this first anniversary is especially hard. You are entitled to feel a bit off and to be sad - it's all part of the process. A friend of mine was widowed at 58 and she says that it has gotten easier - and that more and more she can look back at the fun things and enjoy the memories. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI'm so grateful to you that you've continued your blog through this difficult first year after Colin's death.
ReplyDeleteYou have been honest and said how hard it is and reminded those of us who are lucky enough to have husbands/partners to cherish them.
It's also a reminder to care for those of our friends whose partners have died.
I hope that this coming year is a time when you can meet some new friends or reconnect with past ones.
Listening to others I think some people find it incredibly hard to know what to say to bereaved friends; no excuse but human nature.
I'm sorry for everything you have had to go through and it is true that sometimes the friends/family that you think would be there, sometimes are not. Everyone has their own agenda and are so pulled in every which direction and distracted and busy. Have a great week ahead.
ReplyDeleteI have learned a few things from seeing how you forged ahead and kept busy for the past year; thank you for that. May you continue to push ahead, and perhaps in this, the second year, things will be just a little easier.
ReplyDeleteI've not lost a spouse, but I've lost my mom and dad. It was hard the first year after my mom died....all the firsts without her, birthday, Christmas, other holidays! Still miss her and dad but they remain in my heart. Hope and pray you have a better year but I know you will always miss Colin, as you were married for years! Good memories and thankful you have family near you and friends too! Nice tulips! My lilac bush bloomed beautifully and now the rhododendron bush is blooming and so are my roses. I need to go outside and water my plants as it has been warm for over a week and no rain. Some coming soon though!!! Have a blessed week!!
ReplyDeleteWe visited Suffolk last year, I'm a Californian. I've stumbled on your blog through Scott's Furrowed Middlebrow and just want t say my heart is sore for you. Your flowers are lovely and I'm sure help some with healing. Here is a California hug.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine all the ways in which your life has changed this year, but I like your attitude of keeping busy and keeping life interesting. Do persevere. I hope that helps more and more as time passes as well as hoping this week holds more happy feelings and thoughts for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit lbehind in catching up with reading blogs in the last few days. Although I've only been blogging for a short time, I've been reading your blog for a long time.
ReplyDeleteThis past year, you have shown that you are strong, but very honest, Sue. Your posts have taken us along your journey of coping on your own and have no doubt helped others in a similar situation.
I love that you always find some positive things happening around you. Sending a big hug xx
Sending hugs your way. Col would be proud of you.
ReplyDeleteSue, you have an amazing strength that has got you through the past year and that strength will carry you forward for the years to come......there will be the odd feeling of sadness but you have shown to all of us the resilience that will take you onward......
ReplyDelete